One Balanced Life

Six weeks ago a close friend's father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given 6-12 months. His funeral is on Wednesday.

Over the last six weeks I've been thinking a lot about mortality and how precious life is. Earlier this week my sister wrote a guest post and mentioned her fears around early onset Alzheimers - a disease both my mother and grandmother were diagnosed with. We talk about it a lot and debate whether we should get tested for the gene ( I am an adamant no, she waivers). My thought process goes something like this: What difference would it make? If knowing would change the way I live, I should change the way I live. And so that is how I am living, as is my sis. Whenever one of us mentions something we want to do the response is inevitably..."You got twenty years baby, do it now."

This morning a friend sent a text with one of my favorite Mary Oliver quotes...

"Tell me, what is you plan to do with this one wild & precious life?

Whatever it is, I say do it now. Make 2012 the year for not only doing it differently but doing it NOW.

If you feel in need of support determining what IT is join the fabulous Julie Kesti and I for our Create Your Year Retreat Saturday the 14th from 4-8. It is filling fast!

I was writing a post about the post-holiday crazies and being in the moment - then my beautiful, hilarious, and slightly irreverent sister send this. She is a wonderful writer and she summed it all up perfectly (plus I think she is brave for wanting to share our story openly).

When in doubt just return to the moment..

2012 Flog

My sister said I should start a blog. I laughed, “you mean a flog,” I said.  Since daily I seem to flog myself over something. She said people might want to read about your experiences with mom, grandma, that kind of thing. 

Oh, the Alzheimer’s thing. Yes, I spent many nights taking care of my Grandma with Alzheimer’s. I made food, sat and watched golf, listened to her nonsense. I flew her across country to her son and daughter in California to finally be put in a nursing home. I wiped her bottom when she pooped in the shower. I fastened her bra. I curled her hair. I was fifteen. 

I am now 37. I have a two year old son. I have a five year old son. I have a husband.  I have a full time job. I have a house.  I have sea monkeys. I have a 70 year old mother who is entering the middle stages of Alzheimer’s. I have no idea how I will make it through this. 

Most days I can busy myself life’s daily tasks, matching boy’s socks, folding little sweatpants and finding the proper spots in closets and dressers. I can busy myself watching the Real Housewives. I can busy myself answering work emails.It’s when the phone call comes. I chat with my mom as politely as I can about how the boys are doing, how the holidays were, what news there is. Repeat. Repeat again. Then, I say I have to go and hang up. Then it hits me like a freight train...the ache, the sadness, the anger, the fear. Staying busy doesn’t work plus I've quit some bad habits recently.  I realized I didn’t need to add an addiction to my list of things I have. All the books say you need to figure out what your triggers are so you can avoid those situations.  I realized some days’ just waking up was a damn trigger. 

So, I started reading Pema Chodron and listening to her in the car on tapes borrowed from the library. She is a Buddhist nun. I want her to adopt me. I want to cut off all my hair and live in an abbey in Nova Scotia. I want to learn to feel these feeling without wanting to vacuum the entire house, clean out the fridge, sort the matchbox cars by color or drink a bottle of wine. She says it’s about staying in the present moment. Sounds easy, huh, it’s fuckin’ hard, way harder than I thought.

For example, I was trying to be in the present moment with the boys one afternoon. We were playing animals. I was helping to build a zoo. I was thinking while I stacked the blocks, stay in the present moment. But my mind went to wondering..."When that kindergarten form is due?  Then, should we go to the Children’s Museum Sunday? Graham has that birthday party Saturday, shit we need to get a present. Did I buy tampons?  Should I run later, I really need some exercise. What are we going to make for dinner?  Is it bath night?  Where did I put those new towels we got for Christmas?  I should call Dad and see how he is doing. Ugh, I don’t want to talk to her.  God, I am shitty daughter. Okay, stop and focus. I am going to put the hippo over here next to the lion who can eat it. Dang, I was totally not in the present moment there. Sorry, Pema."


Then, I started running more. It helps me calm my mind (and exercise is supposed to aid in the prevention of the big "A"). I listen to “Eye of the Tiger.” I feel like Rocky.  Then after that song is over, I start to wonder if I am supposed to be keeping my chest up. Am I supposed to feel a pain in my side?  Should I be running on the balls of my feet or my heels?  I start thinking my feet are hot. I start thinking my arms should be close to my sides. I remember my junior high track coach told me to not run like a chicken. I wonder why that asshole was coaching adolescent girls?  I think about how I hated sports. I start to feel like a poser out here running in the cold. My form is all wrong, who am I kidding I am not an athlete. Yet, secretly, I want to run a marathon. 

On my way into work this morning I was thinking about an article I read in the Newsweek about how to keep your brain healthy. As I was reading, I thought to myself what’s the fucking point? The genetics are fairly clear when it comes to early onset Alzheimer’s which has eaten away my mom’s brain since she was 50 and her mother’s before. When my grandma was in her mid-seventies she was diapered babbling like a baby. That means I might have 20 good years left.  A friend told me “what’s happening to your mom doesn’t mean that’s your story,” he was wrong and he was right. I don’t know what will happen to me.I could live to be 89, mind intact  I could die in a car accident tomorrow. I could get the big “A” and my sons will suffer through the same heartbreak.I don’t know.  I know the article said I should master a foreign language, I should do more brain puzzles, I should learn tae kwon do, I should start to play an instrument...

Crap, I think I’ll just try that present moment stuff again.      

I am sitting. Thinking. Staring out the window. Procrastinating on preparing for a speaking gig. I’ve been asked to speak about life balance. And while I’ve done it 100 times what comes to me (after being gone more days than not out of the last two weeks or at least it seems that way) is this…

“It doesn’t exist. Period. End of session. Thank you all for coming. You can leave now and instead of listening to me go do something to take of yourself. A walk in the woods, a pedicure, a talk with friend, whatever. Just go experience it.”

But am thinking that ain’t gonna fly…I have an hour to fill. But it is the truth. Life balance doesn’t really exist. There will always be that unexpected phone call, a child with a fever, a forgotten bill, a friend in need, a urgent deadline, or some other unanticipated disaster. That is life. The one thing you can count on is that there will be something every single day that throws you off course and potentially sends you spinning. Good or bad.

The truth is balance is an art. It is a state of being. It takes persistence. It is work. It is a subtle dance of taking care of yourself first above everyone else (yes shocking I know – take a deep breath…baby steps), of managing your energy, of getting the support you need, and of always remembering to come back to the moment.

Something Karen Maezen Miller said in one of her retreats jumps out at me…
“I didn’t say it was easy. I said it was simple.”

Maybe I will throw that in there and then send them on their way.

One of my girlfriends is truly like a sister to me and our boys (born within a month of each other) are the best of friends. One of my favorites stories is when asked by his dentist if he had any siblings my friends' son replied "Nope but I have a Ryder." As a result, we end up spending A LOT of time together (the boys wake up asking for each other).

She saves me a 100 times a month - I love her for it and am so damn thankful she exists in my world. She listens, remembers, bears witness to my history, challenges me, takes the kids when I need it, says the right thing when I need it and the wrong thing when I need it, and is one of those people you can also just sit and be with.

This weekend we went on a "walk-about" - which means throwing the boys in strollers early in the morning and setting out for the day. We have coffee, go to parks, lunch, the lake, etc. We walk and talk. And I'll be honest she has had one hell of a decade.  Within in the last 4 years she has lost one of her amazing brothers and her beloved father - and prior to that another beautiful sibling 3 years earlier. And on top of that the rest of stuff life throws at you.

As we walked and talked we spoke of joy and how elusive it can be especially when grieving (it is the one year anniversary of her brothers' death). And of how you lose interest in anything other than getting through the day, week, month, the year. I shared that I think the place to start may be the seeing/feeling the joy the everyday moments. We walked in silence and she said "people watching in a coffee shop." For the rest of the walk we conversed only in sentences about the everyday moments of joy (I'll be honest at first quite a few ended with...and a glass of wine.)

• chimes in the wind
• sitting on the steps having a popsicle with your kid
• driving at dusk with windows down listening to loud music
• a yummy summer salad
  

And on and on. It was kinda beautiful, funny, and sad too. After our walk we continued texting each other our "everyday joys."

The next day she and I met another friend for drinks and I shared that I had this amazing day after that walk and that I thought it was because of all the thinking about joy. She looked at me and said "me too."

Maybe I save her just a little...at least I hope.

So for myself, I am declaring this month the month of EVERYDAY JOY.

This Sunday we will playing with the theme of JOY at Julie Kesti and I's Creative-Tea. Some painting, collaging, and massage. Yeah! Contact me to sign-up we have a few spots left.

P.S. Today we talked and she said she has continually returned to the theme of joy ...the everyday moments and being able to recognize them when they are happening. Ahhh...

Several years ago I had the opportunity to attend a retreat with this amazing woman (not the woman in the pic that is my mother and she is amazing too). Her words have been echoing in my mind...Life is practice. Sometimes I am good at practicing sometimes not so much. But am thinking the point is to keep trying.

I practice...

meditating
listening
stillness
climbing
parenting
compassion
breathing
patience
apologizing
acceptance
creating
swimming
laughing
writing
forgiveness
being

What are you practicing today?

A couple of things happened this week that forced me to realize I need to come up with a schedule and some organization for my life.

Oh yes, there have been whispers along that way that I needed to do so. Too many days in a row of cereal mixed with water, the lawn going to seed, unread emails, etc. But the whispers got louder as I sat with a client (going over the schedule I helped her to create so she would have the time to focus on her writing) and thought "Wow maybe I need to do this?"

But really the final straw was when the nanny showed up on Tuesday at the perfect time (I hadn't been entirely clear about her hours) and laughed at the state I was in. I couldn't even answer when she asked what could she help with - must have been the unpacked luggage, a pile of laundry in every room, and sink full of dishes that gave it away. Or perhaps it was the neatly typed up instruction/information the other mom provided her and thought as I read through it "why can't I be that kind of mom."

She has been with boys since they were little and knows me well enough to give me crap and I deserve it. A few minutes after arriving she checked in to see it was okay if the boys take bricks out of the "temporary" sidewalk laid down three years ago and I said yes. She yelled back in the house "You are so laid back"  the whisper became a scream "I AM THE CAUSE OF ALL OF THIS CHAOS."

I crave spontaneity and will change my plans for the day at the drop of a hat...and do most days. But is clear I need to let that go for a bit. Managing a house, kids, helping my parents, training for the tri season, running a business, starting a new one, and figuring out a nanny share will not allow it anymore. Dang. So I sit here staring at a piece of paper with 1/2 hour increments attempting to create a schedule for myself and the boys. And although I am not entirely enthusiastic about this I know it will be a good thing. If not I can always throw it all out the window and try something else. Right?

P.S. Came home to find a schedule all written up by the nanny along with a empty sink and a clean kitchen floor. Think this is the start of a beautiful summer! Of course the little one was wearing his older brother's underwear and shorts because...well you get it.

Several years ago I started writing Birthday Lists and have written about it other posts. Basically you come up a list of things you want to have happen  before your next birthday. The number of items on your list depends on how old you are. 

When I sit down to come up with my list I look at old lists...sometimes the items happen like getting a new camera (my 2009 list) or doing a triathlon (last years list). And sometimes the same items return every year (like baking a cake from scratch - probably just need to let that one go). But usually most of list happens. 

One of the items on this years list was getting some indoor plants. Yesterday on my birthday some dear family friends invited us over and viola I got a plant.  Love it! Still have 15 items to go. Ahh the power of writing it down.

I just returned from co-facilitating a retreat with the fabulous Renee Trudeau at Kripalu. I am deeply grateful for the work I do, for the places I visit, for the amazing team I work with, and most of all for the women who choose the share their stories with me. We had an amazing group of women attend. It is such an honor to watch the transformation that occurs in a weekend. When the retreat starts on Friday, I see - fear, pain, confusion, anticipation, hesitancy, resistance and by Sunday it is joy, hope, and openness.

I believe this transformation has a lot to do with moving one's energy around. We get stuck in old patterns, ways of thinking and being, and we can't seem to create any movement in our lives. The only way to create change is to move that "stuck" energy around. And one way to do this is simply trying something new and different...like a retreat. At the beginning of our retreats I talk about "doing it different" and encourage participants to step outside their comfort zone. For some this was openly sharing their story, for others it was Yogadance class, or a solitary walk in the woods.

For me it was a new Healing Arts session Kripalu is offering called Integrated Energy Therapy. It was a little out there for me but I always try to do something new when I am on a retreat. And WOW! It moved my energy! I have had a homework assignment from my coach that I ave resisted for months. I felt it the minute she gave it to me...the voice in my head was screaming "No way in hell I am doing that!" Day after day I would write it on my to do list and then ignore it. I just didn't want to do it. I woke up the morning after my treatment, sat out on the lawn, picked up my journal and started writing. The resistance was gone and it was a powerful exercise and experience.

I share my story to encourage you if you feel stuck about something try to do something to move your energy around maybe a quick walk, a dance with the kids in the morning, a new class, or the getting support you wouldn't normally reach out for. Just find a way to move it!

I spent the weekend alone...in my house. It was amazing. I am always talking about asking for the support you need and I needed time in my house to clear the clutter.  My husband took the kids for 48 hours and I took on the list (some work, some house, and some personal stuff). The weekend was wonderful and I feel completely re-energized by it.

One of the things that occurred to me is the desire to simplify - my home, my work, and my finances. And a way I do that is to ask myself the question before I agree to something or purchase something is this something I need or want? So faced with Halloween and needing costumes for the kids I was about to run out to Target when I paused and asked myself if the kids really needed "new" costumes. The answer was a clear NO. So instead I checked out Goodwill. They have a ton of great and cheap costumes. I feel better about buying used and not spending a ton of money on "new" costumes. And the kids could care less. They had a blast.

I encourage you to think about how you can simplify your life today?